It is now about 48 hours since shockingly good balding Catalan midget Andreas Iniesta put the footballing world both out of its misery by ending the Netherlands’ hopes of being the least popular, most blood thirsty, champions ever and, simultaneously, into a fresh realm of pain in the knowledge that the next time a world cup ball will be kicked is in a vomit-inducing four years. FIFA confirmed WC2014 will be in Brazil so you’ll probably be at work for the majority of proceedings and will only catch the highlights of the final, which a reinvigorated Netherlands’ side will win 3-0 by employing the controversial yet effective tactic of slitting the throats of anyone who stands in their way with carefully concealed cheese wire provided by new team sponsor Edam.
Much like other popular British pass times such as copious alcohol consumption and fighting, typical initial symptoms of World Cup withdrawal included “feeling a bit shaky”, an unwillingness to return to the drudgery of real life, a marked increase in feelings of aggression and hopelessness and an overarching depression. Alan Nantes of the Male Behavioural Institute has been monitoring the situation and believes that things are improving. “Most of my observations point to an ending of the short lived depression stage. Predictably the shift has not been towards what we in the non-homoerotic male observation industry might term “dealing with reality”, “getting a grip” or “catching oneself the fuck on”. Rather many subjects are avoided this phase altogether in favour of rose-tinted hindsight. John from Southend declared “I loved every minute of it, not a bad game in the whole bloody thing. The people, the vuvezelas, the big name performances, the way England really gave it a good go, the ITV punditry, I just couldn’t fault it, me.”
EDITOR’S UPDATE: The NHS have announced that the above will be the last such study undertaken by the MBI, which has been culled in the latest round of budget cuts. The seeking-to-be-popular-with-a-demographic-he-can’t-possibly-relate-to Prime Minister, Eton educated stockbroker’s son and potential heir to £30m, David Cameron released this statement: “Rugby Soccer Football, is the national game and the one that the real man on the street is interested. I will not stand for public funds to be spent on an unnecessary dissection of the psyche of the common idiot man who has ceaselessly and tirelessly brought this snivelling, selfish country to its knees helped make this great country what it is today.”
Some of us immerse ourselves in other forms of sport to fill the void, and hold up these new combatants as our heros. There will be a world wide explosion in pigeon racing very soon, mark my words, and Lord Pidgy 'Thundebolt' the Third has my money!
ReplyDeletep.s. although he did karate kick another pigeon during the last race but the referee didn't see it. If there had of been the new 'Pigeon Racing Wingtip Camera Technology' he would have walked!